Relationship Road-kill

After you experience the lows of being royally dumped in the ass by someone… or after, as this particular ex coined, being “cast aside like a used TIS-sue”, you’re never quite the same again… sometimes in a good way… other times… er… ya.

For me, no amount of medication could keep me afloat, or rescue me from wild nights of abandon, public spates, friendship meltdowns and just general all-consuming unhappiness. My destination? A one-stop journey to Black Hole.

So I’ve seen a lot.

The back catalogue of events that preludes my current status should be put down in history as the best and worst series of events of my life… and quite honestly, pretty damned hilarious to boot.

Let’s take a look at the toll, in its stark, tangible state…

Ingredients (shake together and consume with a generous splash of tequila):

1. One broken heart… tick!
C/o an attempt at a romantic gesture – turning up to ex’s apartment as the sun rises with freshly baked bread and orange juice in hand, only to be turned away (two weeks later).
2. One damaged ego… tick.
The aftermath of a failed love letter – heart, soul, depreciating humour right on the dotted line please.
3. One slight misjudgement. Tick.
Ah, a drunken night ricocheting from one topless male model to another… only to wake up in the arms of a woman. And yes, before you ask, I did go down.
4. A splash of hope… tick.
Bathroom sex with the ex.
5. A repeat dose of hope… tick.
Sex outside an apartment elevator with the ex.
6. A body beautiful moment… tick.
A night as a human sushi plater, entertaining Bessie Bardot’s guests at a swingers’ party. Was I naked? What? I wore a G-string and sushi didn’t I?
7. The loss of dignity… tick.
Paying witness to a best friend turning up to a party with my ex.
8. The loss of faith… tick.
Instigated and been on the receiving end of friendship bust-ups.
9. Seeking freedom… tick.
Shorts stints of travel on my own.
10. Mind numbing experiences… tick.
I’ve had relationships based on alcohol slash pot-induced sex.
11. Resorting to putting it RIGHT out there… tick.
::: I’ve had big peckers, small peckers, pencil-dicks, floppy-dicks.
::: I’ve had intense cyber sex with cyber nerds, RSVP dates, Facebook dates, dates from meeting someone on the street, dates with the bar tender at a prestigious restaurant, hell, I’ve even given my card to a cute kitchen hand once। Tick, tick, tick and tick.
::: I’ve made out on a pool table at the Hopetoun with a bar tender, even accosted a different bar tender at the same hotel on the same night. Tick.
::: I’ve made out with French dudes, English dudes, ridiculously young dudes. Swedish ones, Eurasian spunks and Italian stallions too. Tick.
::: I’ve thought that I was in love a couple of times. Tick.
::: I’ve sometimes been disappointed by men. Tick.
::: I’ve been involved with conceited boys, presumptuous boys, fucked-up boys, even seemingly gay boys. Tick, tick and tick.
12. But the best thing that has come out of the whole thing?
Is that I can finally have friendships with men… Meaningful/meaningless, silly, fun and lasting friendships, that don’t always spill past into those blurry URST-fuelled boundaries that confuse and infest the relationship. And that is what I like most.