What’s getting me off right now?

Sneaking off to the cinema by myself. Oh yes sir, it’s my favourite. I don’t know what it’s about??? Could be the fact that you can be completely anonymous in that sea of heads, who are systematically responding to one single thing... the big screen! Or what about the fact that nobody knows what I’m doing their alone, as I slink in almost too late, catching the eye of the odd interested movie goer? Haha, is the exhibitionist in me, no?!

Last Sunday I dragged myself out of bed at 3pm, having been there all day as a result of a house party that ended way too late. The culprit of my ridiculously sudden locomotive state? Ah, cinema experience! Yup, it’s so easy and so full of passive, uncomplicated juicy goodness. Why wouldn’t I tear myself away from yet another “born again fem” piece of chick lit (this is a term I have developed having read one too many books on: female heartbreak + world travel = female awakening. Is too much already!)?

So my drug of choice this partic Sunday as I turned up to my local indie movie venue was obvious. It stood out of its neon sign like a dildo in a library. It read: Lust, Caution. Hello! Did someone say, passive, uncomplicated juicy goodness? Oh yes they did!

Turns out Lust, Caution wasn’t as much passive and uncomplicated, as it was nail biting, graphic and completely full-on. But you know what kids? It was AMAZING! And of course, being an Ang Lee flick, it was bound to be. See it. The heavy subject matter is cool (a psychological thriller set in Shanghai, 1942 during WWII, a group of revolutionary sympathisers try their hand at espionage to entrap a political leader) but the incredible acting by the lead actress, Wei Tang, is something else to be seen. It’s something about her shyness and plainness but then sudden beauty as she gets emotionally attached against her own good reasoning and mission. Trust me it makes sence when you see it. And then there's the sex scenes... it's not porn, but... it's pretty in your face. You definitely get plenty of bang for your buck *wink, wink* if you know what I mean.

This week: your mission is to see Lust, Caution and go to the movies by yourself (at the same time? Why not). Both get two thumbs from me.

Out…

Confession 1: spirit fingers

Bless me Father for I have sinned... it's been a week since my last confession. But Father, I am ready to pour out my heart!

So here goes...

I've been writing all this time but I cannot touch type. Yup, that's right dear cynics, she's a writer who bangs about on her computer like a five-year-old – two index fingers working over time in a pathetic haphazard mess. So tonight, a Thursday night, I stay in, chained to my glass dining room table, taking one typing lessons after another... typing at snail pace but like a determined mofo* nevertheless.

I am very bad!

And so I have this: my very first post... touch typed. It's taken five hours, 34 minutes and... seventy seven errors later... but I'm here... and, I might add, more frustrated than a nun in the prime of her sexuality.

Don't judge me... I'm eager and willing, right? Arggggrrrr okay the torture is finito, gone, over. O.V.E.R. Done.

Amen

*I once used this acronym to my mum and then had to explain what it really meant... which is of course: Mother Friend, yes? Or so she now believes :)

Confession 2: the list

Exercise, man, it gets the brain generating some crazy ideas doesn't it?

So while I was swimming my 20 laps after work in my pond out the back, I got to thinking about what my friend B. said about not compromising on what I want in a guy.

His solution? To write a list of all the attributes they should have.

So I started making a list in my head and rating each out of 10.

But it got me thinking, is it possible to limit things to such a finite, one dimensional brief?

The problem for me it seems, is less a case of ticking all the boxes and more a case of merely finding someone I actually like. Does anyone have this problem too? Where are all the hot, single, fun and smart guys hiding?

So do I compromise then, and settle for someone who only half does it for me? Like my last boyfriend, P., for instance. He was awesome – sexy, physically pretty freaking amazing, 100% sexual chemistry PLUS we had lots of laughs and adventures. Problem: drug habit. F@#K! Awesome guy, not so awesome lifestyle.

So, I've taken up surfing, to help out with my sexual frustration of course! See what that uncovers...

Over and out...

Must see... Juno

How many female protagonists are funny and quirky and cool and smart like Ellen Page's Juno (in the movie of the same title)? Hey, what d'you know... you can barely count them on one hand.

I'm done with the beautiful and the vacuous. It was fun for a while with The O.C.. Mischa Barton does, after all, have a very solid place in the world. But let's face it; even her beautiful and troubled character was superseded by Rachel Bilson's sassy and peppy Summer by the third season.

Cool guy leads on the other hand... different ball game completely. There's Zach Braff's Dorian in Scrubs, Johnny Depp in pretty much all his appearances (I'd even have to say in Pirates), Ari… hell most of the male characters in Entourage, even the Wilson brothers... pre and post breakdown. Then we have: Christian Slater, Val Kilmer, Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger (Brokeback Mountain), Tobey Maguire (Water Boys), John Cusack in most things he does... except that really terrible chick flick - Must Love Dogs, River Phoenix, Ralph Fiennes, to name a few.

How many cool female leads are there?

Winona Ryder - Heathers, Edward Scissorhands, Mermaids, Reality Bites
Franka Potente - Run Lola Run
Rachel Weisz - The Constant Gardener

Is that it?

Anyway, Ellen Page has struck a chord – she’s great.

Diablo Cody should be commended for creating such a strong lead for girls to aspire to!

Michael Cera BTW is adorable in this movie too!

The Jane Austen Book Club

Okay, I saw The Jane Austen Book Club last night and here’s what I thought…

Yes, it’s a chick flick. It’s not so bad a chick flick as P.S. I Love You or say, Bridget Jones’ Diary, but it’s definitely up there.

The main plot tends to mimic the plots of the characters in the books they’re studying in the club – very obvious, and you don’t walk out of the cinema feeling strongly about the plot or the happy Hollywood ending either.

BUT the thing that saves it a little is the strong acting. Standout actress is Emily Blunt who plays the stuffy and dissatisfied Prudie, then of course there’s the ever-gracious Kathy Baker (she plays the well-travelled and well-loved Bernadette). By the end, you really love Maggie Grace too – she’s super-gorgeous and makes being a lesbian look so fun!

Note: Maggie Grace (pictured above) should be a draw card for you getting your man to see it with you – she’s a mega-babe!

Oh, and I did laugh out loud on more than one occasion (I was the only one I might add) at the wincingly uncomfortable almost-romantic moments.

All in all, worth a look but have low expectations. That’s where I went wrong!

Poor Heath

With all the hoopla going on in the aftermath of Heath Ledger’s death, I just thought I’d mention one thing: that Jack Nicolson has come out and spoken out about the problems attached to the prescription sleeping drug, Ambien – the same drug that’s being said was next to Heath’s bed when he died. So sad!

Also, when reporters accosted Nicolson leaving dinner the night Heath passed away, he said this, “I told him!” Who the hell knows what this means. Some say he warned Heath about the pitfalls of getting so close to the psychotic character of The Joker he was portraying in The Dark Knight. Remember Jack also played The Joker in the ’89 version of Batman. Who knows though. It’s all so creepy and sad and horrible.

Retro ’Toons

My friend Georgia from work today reminded me of the ’toon, Danger Mouse. She said that, “in the last week or so, in various shows where the characters have had the TV on in the background, Danger Mouse has been on the telly! I’ve seen him in about four different shows (a BBC thingy on the ABC, some murder mystery series, a detective show and in the comedy, Jam and Jerusalem)… twice in one show!”

Pretty cool huh?! Remember that show? I love how shows do this BTW – sight popular culture in other forms of pop culture. The O.C. used to do this so well, partic with band references but with other things too (like new internet search engines and comics etc.).

Anyway, how about all the other cool cartoons we watched as kids? Like...

Astro Boy
Inspector Gadget
Rocky and Bullwinkle
Roger Ramjet

How good were they?!

Zac Efron

Am I the only person who doesn’t think Zac Efron is a gay boy in waiting? I mean, yes, I admit he does have that creepy, I Cannot Fall from Grace Hollywood veneer but Scratch the Surface and I Just Might Reveal I’m a Stepford Alien thing going on… but I don’t think he’s GAY!

Regardless, how hot is he?

Arcade Fire

Forget break-ups, dwelling on relationships and pining for love!

This year’s answer to Marvin the Martian’s earth shattering ka-boom (ESK)?

Freakin’ kick-ass gigs!

The year started off with some pretty darned good contenders for the Top 5 Gigs of All-Time – Sufjan Stevens at the State Theatre (tearfully amazing); followed by the sweet harmonies of Tunng at the Sydney Festival’s Spiegeltent. But this year just got even better with those angelic Amish-like gypsies, Arcade Fire, who bang and bustle and scream and shout onstage; the same ones that sing like angels and in the same breath produce raw and rustic vocal emotion that unveils joyful then tortured and tormented layers - paralleling the mad scene unfolding onstage (crazed musicians running around, belting out tunes and generally having a festive good time).

Throughout their performance, the band rotates their instruments like they’re rotating tables at a wine tasting stand - sampling each but producing much more than a haphazard conglomeration of emotional energy that usually follows those booze-fuelled sessions. It’s fun and sad and sometime fun and sad all at once but it all makes perfect joyful sense too. There’s a freakin’ party in the room and everyone’s invited. Singing in unison, whilst slapping your hands high in the air is a prerequisite to the overall masterpiece.

So last night, I sang freakin’ out loud, hands in air in time with all my friends (everyone else in the room), jumping up and down to my most favourite songs. Try wiping off my smile right now, I dare ya! I swear I will be so high (no prescription or other drugs needed thanks very much) for the rest of the week.

So for now, I’m packing in the whole relationship tour and I’m turning gypsy, whistling while I walk… seven dwarf-style.

"I know for sure that what we dwell on is who we become."
– Oprah Winfrey

In the top 5 of compliments...

This was delivered to me by a boy, who was obviously trashed, right in the middle of a conversation with about 10 other people:

"Ursula Jefferson! I would so go down on you for two hours."

Wow, really?

Hahaha, needless to say, we were making out 10 minutes later.

So what do we think? Is it up there? Had any doozies like this yourself? Do tell!

Relationship Road-kill

After you experience the lows of being royally dumped in the ass by someone… or after, as this particular ex coined, being “cast aside like a used TIS-sue”, you’re never quite the same again… sometimes in a good way… other times… er… ya.

For me, no amount of medication could keep me afloat, or rescue me from wild nights of abandon, public spates, friendship meltdowns and just general all-consuming unhappiness. My destination? A one-stop journey to Black Hole.

So I’ve seen a lot.

The back catalogue of events that preludes my current status should be put down in history as the best and worst series of events of my life… and quite honestly, pretty damned hilarious to boot.

Let’s take a look at the toll, in its stark, tangible state…

Ingredients (shake together and consume with a generous splash of tequila):

1. One broken heart… tick!
C/o an attempt at a romantic gesture – turning up to ex’s apartment as the sun rises with freshly baked bread and orange juice in hand, only to be turned away (two weeks later).
2. One damaged ego… tick.
The aftermath of a failed love letter – heart, soul, depreciating humour right on the dotted line please.
3. One slight misjudgement. Tick.
Ah, a drunken night ricocheting from one topless male model to another… only to wake up in the arms of a woman. And yes, before you ask, I did go down.
4. A splash of hope… tick.
Bathroom sex with the ex.
5. A repeat dose of hope… tick.
Sex outside an apartment elevator with the ex.
6. A body beautiful moment… tick.
A night as a human sushi plater, entertaining Bessie Bardot’s guests at a swingers’ party. Was I naked? What? I wore a G-string and sushi didn’t I?
7. The loss of dignity… tick.
Paying witness to a best friend turning up to a party with my ex.
8. The loss of faith… tick.
Instigated and been on the receiving end of friendship bust-ups.
9. Seeking freedom… tick.
Shorts stints of travel on my own.
10. Mind numbing experiences… tick.
I’ve had relationships based on alcohol slash pot-induced sex.
11. Resorting to putting it RIGHT out there… tick.
::: I’ve had big peckers, small peckers, pencil-dicks, floppy-dicks.
::: I’ve had intense cyber sex with cyber nerds, RSVP dates, Facebook dates, dates from meeting someone on the street, dates with the bar tender at a prestigious restaurant, hell, I’ve even given my card to a cute kitchen hand once। Tick, tick, tick and tick.
::: I’ve made out on a pool table at the Hopetoun with a bar tender, even accosted a different bar tender at the same hotel on the same night. Tick.
::: I’ve made out with French dudes, English dudes, ridiculously young dudes. Swedish ones, Eurasian spunks and Italian stallions too. Tick.
::: I’ve thought that I was in love a couple of times. Tick.
::: I’ve sometimes been disappointed by men. Tick.
::: I’ve been involved with conceited boys, presumptuous boys, fucked-up boys, even seemingly gay boys. Tick, tick and tick.
12. But the best thing that has come out of the whole thing?
Is that I can finally have friendships with men… Meaningful/meaningless, silly, fun and lasting friendships, that don’t always spill past into those blurry URST-fuelled boundaries that confuse and infest the relationship. And that is what I like most.

How evil is evil?

I used a viral prank to an evil end recently and the regret is seeping in... in Titanic proportions. And I'm sinking... in my toxic guilt. Ah, good old Catholic guilt, my parents did well!

So what did I do exactly?

Well, approximately a year after I was well and truly dumped (for the very first REAL time), I decided to bite back (again)... issues much?

I was sent a viral email that promoted an American crime scene investigation-type show, whereby you insert somebody's details (name, age, occupation) plus a message and it systematically sends the person a faux police report... identifying them as the next victim (revealed, appropriately I thought, in a bloody scrawl) in the vicious killing tirade.

But the clincher to the report is this... at the very end, the report reveals that a solid piece of evidence is found: a note, and it is the note where you can really hit home to your unsuspecting victim. The report shows a close-up of the note, revealing exactly what it says.

Seeing this as an opportunity to prank my friends, my naughty giggles subsided when I realised I could really do some damage. So after I visualised the customised line: **insert** Ex-Boyfriend's Name here** You're Next (written in dripping blood no less), my mind started racing.

So I got to work.

Channelling the movie, I Know What You Did Last Summer, five minutes later, my ex received the neat little package... with the crime scene note reading this:

"I know you like chow mein pussy!" A reference to his petite, gorgeous and... Asian girlfriend.

Oh. My. God!

Can you believe I did that?

Racist and a psycho bitch?

I feel so terrible.

Will I burn in hell?

How bad is this on your evil radar?